


Just...

by BigE2955



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Does not follow the game's story, I'd put more, Just Monika, Just Natsuki, Just Sayori, Just Yuri, Just... well, Let's just say..., Not a Love Story, Not a SI!, Other, but it would spoil the plot ;), that may be a little misleading
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-02-20 16:21:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13150419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigE2955/pseuds/BigE2955
Summary: Love is a fickle and subjective concept. If you were to ask Monika, what she felt for him was just love-but not many people would be willing to manipulate nearly everyone they knew to earn their love interest's heart. Then again, it's only a matter of time before Monika realizes she isn't the only one manipulating people. First person POV from Monika's perspective. Not copy and pasted from the game.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I would rate this story a tentative 'T' rating, though I reserve the right to up that to a 'M' rating if I do choose so. I will not be skirting around any of the girls' issues... so don't expect the entire story to be fluffy and sweet... or even a majority of it to be fluffy and sweet. I do not own Doki Doki Literature Club, and I do not intend to make any profit off of this.

_Just Monika._

_Just… Monika..._

_Everything_ _is_ _real…_

 

_\---_

 

I stare at him.

Of course, he doesn’t stare back. Rather, he merely eyes the front of the classroom--likely thinking more about manga, and anime, than what the teacher was droning on and on about.

I sigh, and flip my hair.

It was strange… wasn’t it? To focus so much on a boy that was for all intents and purposes completely… vanilla. And yet, I couldn’t seem to help myself. There was just something about him that I couldn’t shake.

The school bell rang. Nearly the entire class was out of the door by the time its blaring tone had finished echoing off the walls of the classroom. I grab my things, and make for the door. A girl walks past me.

I turn--and see that same girl walking up to _him_. Talking to him. Laughing with him. Causing him to flush in a way that made me angry for… for some reason.

A small part of me wanted to run up, grab that girl and her stupid curly hair, and just _bash her head against the desk._

But I had a debate club meeting to go to. 

And I knew that _he_ wouldn’t appreciate his best friend’s blood all over that lovely shirt of his.

I walk off. 

The debate club is just a taste of the real world, and I can already tell that I hate it. The politics… the fruitlessly arguing… all of it is so irritating. I can’t even fathom the idea of what must go on in those big parliament buildings--you take ten debate club committee members, multiply it by seventy, keep the same level of below average intelligence, and you had the Japanese National Diet right then and there. 

What was the point? 

Where was the fun in it? 

You couldn’t even get anything done. Arguments about whether to extend an extra hundred dollars to the decorations for next month’s event managed to take up the entire time allocated for debate club. By the time I was walking out of the school, I was beat. 

Then, there was that girl again. 

She wasn’t short--perhaps the same size as me, yet the aura she gave off was… strangely kidlike. I idly wondered if _he_ enjoyed that light pink hair of hers compared to my dull brown--or if he enjoyed her dazzling blue eyes compared to my sour apple green. 

What kind of girl couldn’t even bother to button her blazer? And her collar is crooked. What did _he_ see in her? 

That brief flash of anger almost overtakes me. 

I’m smarter than that, however. 

I walk up to her, and tap her on the shoulder. “Hi,” I say, and my voice is bright and chirpy--flowing as smoothly as the wind. My hair seems to wave around me, and I know that my skirt is fluttering in a cute way.

She blinked those big blue eyes of hers at me. “Hi.” she repeated. “You’re… um… Monika, right?” she said. 

“That’s right.” I say. “How did you know?” 

“Oh… well, I… saw your name on the roster for Taro’s class.” She chuckled nervously.

That doesn’t explain how she managed to put a name to my face either, but the mention of _his_ name makes my heart flutter in such a way that I cannot even fathom challenging her pathetic excuse.

“Well, you know my name.” I say sweetly. “How about you tell me yours?" 

“I’m Sayori.” she says. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sayori.” I say. “I just wanted to ask you… what sort of club are you in right now?” 

She fiddles with the hem of her (still unbuttoned) blazer. “I’m in the chess club right now…” she says. “But it’s so… freakin’ _boring_!”

“I can imagine.” I say. 

“Why do you ask?” Sayori says.

“I was actually thinking about starting my own club.” I say, and to be completely honest, that idea just sprung to my mind--what better way was there to get closer to _him_? “And I was wondering if you wanted to be my Vice President.”

Her eyes lit up. “Vice President?” Sayori says. “Sure! But… actually… what kind of club are you talking about, Monika?”

“I’m… not sure yet.” I say. “But I’m sure we’ll think of something, yeah?”

Sayori claps her hands together excitedly. “I’ve never been a Vice President before!” she says. “With the chess club… well, they’re all boys. They think I’m just trying to suck up to them so I can copy off of their tests… as if I need to do that!”

“Boys will be boys.” I say. “And besides… you won’t have to worry about them anymore, Sayori. After all, the two of us are going to make our own club, aren’t we?”

Sayori looks past me--and if her eyes had lit up before, than it was nothing compared to what had happened before. I turn, and I catch sight of that brown hair (so like my own…) before Sayori rushes past me, knocking me off balance.

“Taro!” she says, crashing into _him_ , nearly knocking him off of his feet.

“Sayori!” _he_ protests. A plastic bag is in his hands.

“Did you come to walk me home?” Sayori asks excitedly, looking like a little girl who had just managed to worm her way into the cookie jar. I scowl at her--not that either of them notice.

“Actually… I was coming back from the store.” _he_ says. Sayori wilts slightly, and I smirk. “But… since we’re going to be going the same way, why don’t I walk you home? It can be just like old times.”

“Yay!” Sayori cheers, and she hugs him again. That same urge that I had in the classroom almost overwhelms me--except instead of bashing her head against the desk, I envision using the pavement instead… that would probably be much more effective.

Again, however, I stay my hand.

“We can talk more tomorrow, Monika!” Sayori says, waving at me. “Just meet me out here after the clubs are let out!”

“Alright!” I call after them, for they had already started walking from me.

_He_ looks back at me.

And smiles.

A chill goes down my spine.

\---

 

_Until I met you my heart stood still_

 

_Like the moon and the sun_

 

_Their love is true_

 

_That's how I feel when I look at you_

_\---_

**Obligatory A/N:**

**The main character, aka the person you play in Doki Doki, has a rather fitting name. It's essentially the Japanese equivalent of 'John Doe'.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would rate this story a tentative 'T' rating, though I reserve the right to up that to a 'M' rating if I do choose so. I will not be skirting around any of the girls' issues... so don't expect the entire story to be fluffy and sweet... or even a majority of it to be fluffy and sweet. I do not own Doki Doki Literature Club, and I do not intend to make any profit off of this.

**If you have any complaints with the direction I'm taking with the characters, feel free to DM me on fanfiction.net. I'd love to hear your opinions  
**

* * *

 

 _Look at her._  
  
_Eighteen years of age, yet 'endowed' with curves befitting an adolescent. The funny thing is, I'm not even going as far to mention her repulsive personality-always moody and irritable, completely and utterly antisocial to the core. A complete contrast to my lovely aura._  
  
_Clearly, if my plan works out (which it of course will), she won't be a threat._  
  
_She's perfect. How would he ever love a girl like that?_

* * *

By the rules and laws of the school, you need a minimum of four members to form a club. You're technically not restricted from meeting up and acting like a club with three, two… or if you were particularly odd… only one member(s), but you were barred from a lot of things.

Like organizing events.

Events where you could divy up the workload… events where I could 'somehow' end up working with _him_. Long hours together, alone-our bodies so dangerously close. The heat encouraging us to take off jackets and shoes. I can just imagine it now... the way he'd look at me, his eyes smoky. He'd ask me out, then and there, and I would-as if there was an alternative-say yes.

He would ask me to close my eyes, and I would say yes. I would know what he was going to do, but I wouldn't know when… and only when I feel his hot breath across my lips would I know just when he was about to kiss-

Ahem.

I… might have gotten a little off track there. Sorry.

Anyways, I'm well aware that in order to further my plan to win _his_ love, I will need to put together a proper club. The problem being that I can't simply use him as one of the four members-the idea of dumping something like that on him, 'You _have_ to join or else we won't be a club…'

That idea… well, it makes me uncomfortable. It's something that I would only do if I was truly desperate. I don't want to guilt or force _him_ into doing anything… he should want to join the club off of his own accord, he should want to join because of me-not for some silly notion that the club itself actually matters.

I rub my hands together… literally. It's still cold, after all, even if I'm swathed in a jacket atop my blazer and shirt. My ordinary black stockings had been swapped for a longer pair of the same color-one that, while reducing the visibility of my _amazing_ legs, left me in a state that felt comfortably warm. Well, warm enough that I didn't feel as if I was going to get frostbite at the very least.

The weather hasn't deteriorated to the point where there's a chance of snow, but normally it's so warm and vibrant that if the temperature drops even a degree below freezing, the sweaters and the gloves are broken out. I'm an exception for many things, but not for that.

I'm still shivering, even as Sayori comes bounding up to me. "Hi, Monika!" she says, in that chirpy way of hers. She was always so vibrant, bouncing on the balls of her feet at all times, feeling more like a hummingbird than a human being at times. It… irks me.

"Hi," I say back, and I manage to keep my voice that same sweet tone as it's always been. "Did you have a fun time with Taro?"

A pretty blush appears on her cheeks. Again, she fiddles with the hem of her blazer. "It was a lot of fun," Sayori admits, biting her lip. "It's been a while since we last walked together… especially after I started trying to get into clubs, and when I-" She paused. Her lips part, as if she wants to say something, but nothing comes. "Nothing." she tries to cover up her misstep, but it's about as convincing as a jack-o'-lantern trying to be a snowman.

I'm about as interested in her personal problems as I am in this club. "Don't worry about it." I say, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "I think I've figured out what I want the club to be about, though."

"What is it?" Sayori asks, and that same grin is back on her face again.

"I thought about it, and I decided on a literature club." I continue. "That sounds like fun, doesn't it?"

"A literature club?" Sayori squeals. "That sounds amazing! I've always loved poetry and books and stuff like that, and I'd love to be able to write some of my own and share them!"

"It does sound nice, doesn't it?" I say. "I'm glad you're so enthusiastic about it."

Funnily enough, something like a literature club _did_ appeal to me in a strange way. I tended to prefer poetry to novels, however. Being able to capture a multitude of emotions in such a short scope of words was something that had always astounded me. It really was something, a skilled poet taking me to a world unlike the dullness of my own, enthralling and entertaining me for as long as the words on the page last.

Add onto that the fact that very, _very_ few people would be interested in something as drab as a literature club-thus furthering the contact between me and _him_.

The only obstacle in front of me was finding two other people to make up the club before I can invite _him_ into it.

That was my dilemma. You see, the main problem with something like a literature club is that… most boys wouldn't want to join. Aside from boys that would join solely to try and peep up my skirt and coo my name like the idiots they were.

It puts me into a sticky situation… because I've already got one girl who could be a potential rival-Sayori-and I have to select two more girls that could vie for his affections alongside me.

Most of the 'weird' girls were already tossed into a variety of clubs-bench warmers for the cheerleaders, the anime and gaming clubs, and a few sprinkled here and there throughout the rest of them.

So… I had to find two girls that a. could not be a competitor for _his_ love and b. were not in a club, and were actually willing to join a literature club.

Jeez, I really decided to make things hard for myself. Not like I could walk back on it now-not with Sayori so overly enthusiastic. Trying to back out of the literature club at this point would end up with a whole lot of awkwardness, which I would like to avoid.

I sigh, and rub the back of my neck. It was fortunate that Sayori had started belting out exactly _what_ she liked about literature, or else I would have been caught in the middle of my long monologue.

"-and I love Hemingway, too! The realism he puts into his stuff is just so intriguing! I really wish I'd been able to meet him… he just seems like a guy that I would love to talk and get to know. I still need to get around to buying a biography of him…"

I laugh nervously. When had the topic drifted to what our favorite writers were? "I… enjoy Hemingway as well." I say, attempting to cover up my flat footedness. "His work really isn't my style, though. Anyways… do you have any idea about who could join the club?"

Suddenly, a big and infectious grin spread across her face. "I know just the-" she began, her voice loud-before she suddenly stopped. "Oh wait… he doesn't really like reading anything aside from manga."

I chew the inside of my cheek. "Do you have any friends aside from him?" I ask.

Sayori mimics my own action a moment ago, and laughs nervously. "None that would want to join." she says, a little too quickly.

"I see." I rub my chin thoughtfully. "Well… do you have a phone? We could exchange numbers, and I can contact you whenever I find someone suitable."

"Sure!" Sayori says. She takes out her phone as I take mine out. We exchange phones, and quickly type in our respective numbers into the other person's device. Once that's done, we're quickly in possession of our own respective phones again.

"Let's not meet out here tomorrow," I say, once again rubbing my hands together. "If we do have to meet again, it's best for us to do it inside. It's…"

"... too cold!" Sayori completes for me, her teeth chattering. "Don't worry! If you're going to look for people to join our club, then at the very least I can find us a place to meet!" She puffs her chest out, her cheeks pink. "I swear on it!"

She's a melodramatic one, isn't she? The enthusiasm is appreciated, though, even if she doesn't know the full story about why I want to make the club.

"Sounds good." I say. "I'll talk to you later then, Sayori."

"Bye, Monika!"

We go our separate ways.

* * *

I have to admit, I don't have many friends to talk about.

Acquaintances, maybe. People that I talk to on a regular basis about the most dull and menial of things-people that would consider _me_ their friend, but not I them.

I'm 'that' girl, the one that everyone reveres and despises at the same time. They're jealous of me… of my effortless beauty and popularity, at the fact that I could do anything and everything with little to no effort. Even if I wasn't as smart as I was, all it would take was a few blinks and a pretty smile to get me an A. Even if I wasn't as stunningly beautiful as I was, all it would take is five minutes of paying attention in class to get me that same grade.

I don't blame them, to be honest. It's only natural to be jealous of someone as perfect as me.

Still… the lack of friends makes it rather difficult for me to pull club members from out of nowhere.

I was on the hunt, so to speak. The prowl. Searching and looking everywhere for the perfect candidate(s) to join the literature club.

And… well, and this is by pure chance alone, I think I've found her. At least one of them.

Vaguely, _very_ vaguely, I remember her… we were in the same gym class once upon a time. I remember my 'friends' (and I use that term very loosely) ridiculing her because of her interests. Namely: manga, anime, and baking. I remember those because of just how relentless those same 'friends' teased her about them.

I knew that she was in the same year as me, but she looked no more than twelve. A candidate to become _his_ friend… maybe. To become his lover, his partner-the position I so desired…? Please. How could he fall in love with someone like that?

Through the glass window, on the other side of the door, I saw her stooping over what seemed to be a manga. Her nose was so close to the images inked onto the page that I'm surprised she wasn't rubbing away the words. Her pink eyes flit from side to side, and there are only five to ten second intervals before she flips a page.

It was just after school-and I had been walking to my debate club meeting when I saw her. She was taking cover in an empty classroom, though it was clear that she hadn't the time to cover up her presence inside. The lights were off and the door was closed, but she had evidently forgotten to draw the shade over the window that was embedded in the door.

I swallow. As gently as I can manage, I turn the door handle-and pull. It seems like fortune favors me, because this is one of the few doors that doesn't squeak the instant a gust of air brushes it. I'm actually sweating a little bit. This is something I can't afford to mess up; how many other possible candidates are there in this school? Especially for the specific criteria I have. For all I know, there's only two possibilities in the hundreds of people that attend this school… which means that I can't make the mistake of screwing this up.

I just _can't_ mess this up. So I summon all the skills that I've been blessed with, and step into the room. She doesn't notice me, not yet at least-she is still buried in that manga, poring over it as a Christian might the Holy Bible.

"Hello?" I say.

The girl _jumps_. The manga goes sailing into the air, and she topples over in her chair. It's only me, rushing forward and seizing her by the shoulders prevents the girl from getting a nasty concussion.

Yet, she seems unappreciative. Her features blanch, and with a strength that belies her extraordinarily small frame, she throws me off. "What the heck are you doing?" she says heatedly, standing up. Her chest heaves up and down, and there was a look like a frightened doe in her eyes.

I blink. "I was… trying to get your attention." I say. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you fall over like that."

She sorts of grits her teeth at me, and that 'frightened doe' look quickly transforms to something more… angry. "Barging in here?" she continues. "Yelling in my ear, _putting your hands on me?_ "

"I was just trying to stop you from falling!" I insist.

"Well, you did a terrific job of that, didn't you?" she says in a biting tone, scooping up her manga off of the ground and slamming it down onto a desk. "What did you want anyway?"

I swallow. This girl has issues! Not that that was necessarily a bad thing, considering my plan, but still.

"I… wanted to ask you something."

"Oh, ask 'me' something?" she says. "After all you and your friends did to me in Physical Education? What do you really want, Monika?"

"I-I…" Again, I seem to be caught flat footed. I didn't think she would actually remember me. "I wanted to ask you if you wanted to join… um… a club that I'm making."

She scoffs, and actually laughs-right in my face. "What would make you think that I'd want to join _your_ club?"

Another harsh swallow on my part. "It's a… um… a literature club."

She does a double take. Literally. I can sees her pupils widen slightly-and her hand drifts down to brush against the manga on the desk. "I…" She pursed her lips together. "You don't look like the type to enjoy books and things like that."

"Who does?" I say. "You don't have to be a librarian to enjoy literature." I tilt my head to the side thoughtfully. "I… have to ask. Why aren't you in the manga club… erm… uh…"

"It's Natsuki." she says, turning her head away from me. "And I _was_ in the anime club… but I just didn't fit in. All they like is that shounen crap over there, and anybody who reads the kind of manga I like only does it for the short skirts and the cute girls."

"I see." Pursing my lips together, I shift a little awkwardly. "Well… would you want to join my literature club?"

She folds her arms across her chest. "What would we do in there?" she asks.

"Read, I suppose. We could write poems and books, then share them with the others. Spend time together… make friends with each other…"

Natsuki frowns. "I mean… I guess I can't keep hiding out after school like this." she says. "Is this one of those clubs where you have to get a permission slip to join? Or pay dues to get in?"

"No." I say.

"Okay… I guess I'm in." Natsuki says. "So long as you promise me one thing."

"What is it?" I ask.

"I need a place to hide my manga." Natsuki murmurs, and she lifts up the one she had been reading before I had walked in on her. "I keep it hidden under my bed, but my dad's been getting all angsty lately, and I don't-erm, I don't want him to know I read this kind of stuff."

"Huh." I say. "Well, we don't have a place to meet quite yet, but I'm sure there will be a place to hide your… manga."

"Okay then." Natsuki says. "Do I have to sign something?"

"No," I reply. "Just give me your phone number, and I can contact you whenever we have a place to meet."

"Sure." she says. I see her withdraw a phone-an old one, the type that you flipped open, the screen hardly bigger than two of my thumbs put together. She hands it to me, and I memorize her phone number, before giving it back to her.

Then, I withdraw my phone. I put in her phone number and send her a text that simply says, 'This is Monika.'

"Did you get that?" I ask.

Her phone buzzes a few seconds later. "Yeah, I did." Natsuki says.

She pauses.

I see her glance nervously at me, then back at my message still on her phone screen.

"This isn't some… trick, is it?" she says. "I… I really can't deal with another one of these tricks. I can't."

I smile at her.

"Why would this be some kind of trick?" I say. "All I want to do is start a club… and help to repair bridges that shouldn't have been burnt in the first place. Is that so bad?"

Again, she is silent for a moment.

"... text me whenever you find a place for us to meet." Natsuki murmurs. "I'm… going to stay in here."

"Okay." I say.

I leave the room, gently closing the door behind me.

One last time, I cast a glance through the window… and I see her grinning, even as she leafs through the manga to get back to her place.

I frown… slightly.

Then I walk down the hall, and away from the room. Debate club beckons, because I still won't be able to escape those accursed meetings until I find the fourth member, and can finally put in the request to form a new club.

I let out a sigh.

That's one girl down, though. Just one more to go… and the club will be formed.

Then… I'll be one step closer to _him_.

That's all that matters.

* * *

_You know what I heard about Amy?_

_Amy likes spiders._

_Icky, wriggly, hairy, ugly spiders!_

_That's why I'm not friends with her._

 

_Amy has a cute singing voice._

_I heard her singing my favorite love song._

_Every time she sang the chorus, my heart would pound to the rhythm of the words._

_But she likes spiders._

_That's why I'm not friends with her._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to contact me, be sure to message me on fanfiction.net--my name there is BigE2955. Otherwise, you can email me at bige2955@gmail.com. Questions, concerns, suggestions, etc... I don't really mind. Do not forget to leave a comment! I adore comments. I love comments. I thrive on comments. A kudos, a bookmark, and a comment can do more for me than any simple view can do--and all of those take less than thirty seconds to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would rate this story a tentative 'T' rating, though I reserve the right to up that to a 'M' rating if I do choose so. I will not be skirting around any of the girls' issues... so don't expect the entire story to be fluffy and sweet... or even a majority of it to be fluffy and sweet. I do not own Doki Doki Literature Club, and I do not intend to make any profit off of this.

**So, here is the third chapter. As you may have figured out, this one will wrap up the four core girls being recruited into the club. I hope you enjoy, and do** **n't forget to leave a review! I really, really appreciate them. Enjoy!  
**

* * *

_I'm beginning to think that I may regret this._

_This girl-well, to put it simply, she isn't anything like Natsuki or Sayori. Using the word 'recluse' to describe her seems an understatement; I think a hermit or something like that would be more befitting. She really is that shy and withdrawn… it seems almost ludicrous that she can leave the house in the morning._

_It isn't as if her shyness is a problem; if anything, it's a boon to my plans. The real problem is her shyness combined with something else-namely, her curves. Where Natsuki is flat chested, Sayori is average and I'm slightly above, this girl has… no lack of them._

_I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't afraid of_ _ him _ _lusting after her for no reason other than her bosom._

_Still, it's not like I have much of a choice whether I recruit her or not. Not with them knowing about her already.._

* * *

My very first instinct is to groan.

The next is to want to take something-preferably my fist, or perhaps a lead pipe-and sink it into Sayori's gut.

"You… found someone…?" I say.

"She's perfect!" Sayori says. "Well… actually, nearly perfect-there's just one problem, as far as I can tell."

"What is that?" I ask.

"She's so shy!" Sayori exclaims. "I swear, I thought Taro was shy, but this girl is so darned quiet you could mistake her for like… a mouse!"

"A mouse, hmm?" I bite my lip. Some guys could be attracted to the 'shy and silent' type… but then again, there was another kind of shy type that was mostly repulsive. I'd have to look into her a little more. "What's her name?"

"Yuri or something like that. Sounds kind of Russian, doesn't it? I think I read a poem where a-"

I raise a finger, and Sayori falls silent. She's grinning at me-her blue eyes alight in a way that seems unnatural. She is entirely took chirpy and enthusiastic for me… but a small part of me can't help but admit that her attitude was infectious. If only she wasn't so close to _him_.

"Let's not get too off topic." I say. "You said you had two things to talk about-if this Yuri girl is one, then what's the other?"

"Oh, right!" Sayori says. "I think I found a place for us to have our club meetings. It's this classroom up on the third floor-it's pretty spacious, and we'd have plenty of room to do whatever we need to. I talked to the teacher, and she said that she would be alright with it, as long as we locked the door when we were done."

"Great!" I say. "I suppose we could head there now, can't we?" I'm eager to see the classroom. So many things are going to happen there-the first time _he_ and I meet face to face… maybe even other things, like our first kiss or 'other' things.

Sayori ponders it for a moment.

We had met up inside of the school, just after classes had been let out, but before everyone had organized and gone to their respective club rooms. There was still a few people bustling around us, though none paid us any mind.

"I guess we could!" Sayori murmurs. "It's not like the debate club is going to miss you for one meeting; plus, the chess club hardly notices me even when I'm there. I doubt they'll care if I stopped coming at all!"

"Well, you're the one who knows how to get there." I say. "I'll go ahead and send Natsuki a test… what room is it?"

"301."

I take out my phone, and promptly send Natsuki a text. _'Do you think you can meet us in Room 301_? _'_ She's probably in that classroom, reading manga, so I think she'll be able to come and join us. I don't wait for a reply, instead calmly putting my phone away.

"Alright, we should be good." I say.

"Yay!" Sayori clapped her hands together. "Let's go, Monika!"

She clasps my hand and I'm overcome by how… _cold_ it is. Her fingers are thin and almost bony. I can't help but feel bewildered at the contrast between this bright and bouncy girl's personality and her body.

Sayori does not seem to suspect that anything is amiss-and quietly (at least, for someone like her), she leads me to the the classroom; up a staircase, down a few halls, past _his_ classroom, though _he_ isn't there right now.

The door is locked, but Sayori retrieves a key from her pocket. "The teacher says we can get a few more of these made. That way we can get into the class, no problemo."

"Sure." I say. "Sounds good to me."

She opens the door, and I'm immediately hit by the light that floods into my eyes. I blink several times, and Sayori is already pulling me into the class.

It's a very spacious classroom; tidy, well kept, and looking borderline perfect. The desks are neat and ordered, and the only thing that seems even remotely out of place is the open closet in the corner.

"It's…"

"... amazing!" Sayori completes for me. She does a little twirl, tossing her hands up into the air. "I'm the best Vice President ever, aren't I?"

I say nothing… but the fact that I'm actually _smiling_ is not lost on Sayori. She beams happily.

There's footsteps behind us. Sayori and I both turn, just in time to see Natsuki poke her head into the door-she has that same fierce look schooling her features, but there's no amount of false bravado that could cover up the anxiety in her eyes.

"You must be the Natsuki girl Monika told me about!" Sayori chirps. Natsuki jumps as Sayori rushes up to her, but the pink haired girl doesn't resist as Sayori gently grips her wrist and tugs her into the classroom. Her skin does blanch a little, I notice.

"Yeah, I am." Natsuki says. If one thing about her remains firm, it's her voice-that's something I can respect at least. If one couldn't see her ashen skin and dilated eyes, she would sound perfectly fine. "You must be… umm…"

"That's Sayori." I interject. "She's going to be the vice president of the club, once we find our fourth member."

"You still don't have a fourth member?" Natsuki asks, placing a hand on her hip.

"Finding people who want to join a literature club isn't as easy as it looks…" I murmur. "Though… Sayori did find someone who _might_ work."

"Who?" Natsuki says.

"Her name's Yuri!" Sayori tells her. "She's got really pretty purple hair and eyes… and she also has these big-!"

"I know who she is." Natsuki says. I'm surprised to find her smirking slightly. "We had the same homeroom in junior high-and yeah, she's probably a good fit for something like a Literature Club. I remember she would get into arguments with teachers over the meaning and symbolism behind some of the books we read… actually, that was probably the only time she talked when I knew her."

"Were you two friends?" I ask.

"Friends?" Natsuki scoffs. "I tried to be nice to her. I went up and asked what kind of books and stuff she liked to read, and she gave me this… this _look_. Almost like I was a bug or something to her."

"She's probably not used to people being interested in her." Sayori points out. "Maybe she thought you were patronizing her."

"I wasn't." Natsuki says. "But whatever. So, this is going to be where we meet?" She glanced around the room, her pink eyes sweeping across every corner and desk. "It's… nice."

Sayori slaps her forehead. "Dang it!" she says. "We should have brought some books or something-I mean, we're not _technically_ a club yet, but we could have had our… like… first 'unofficial' meeting today."

I purse my lips together. It's still a little strange to think about the meetings we'll have-mostly because I'll have to wait at least a little while before I can convince Sayori to bring _him_ into the club. It would be too suspicious for me to 'suddenly' want to invite someone that I hardly know into a club, especially after I've already done so with people like Sayori and Natsuki.

"Do you know if that Yuri girl stays after school?" I ask Sayori.

"Uh… maybe?" Sayori mumbles. She rubs her chin thoughtfully. "I know she isn't in a club… maybe she has tutoring or something?"

"I thought you said she was smart."

"I meant like _she_ tutors someone." Sayori clarifies. "That girl's so shy that I doubt she would want to go over to someone's house… and they let the tutor program use the library after school if they want to."

"I'll try there." I say. "You two can… get acquainted-I'm going to go ahead and head down to the library."

"Alright." Sayori and Natsuki quip in sync. They turn to each other.

As I'm leaving, I hear Sayori start to say something. "... so, what kind of books do you-" Her voice cuts off as I close the door behind me.

The halls are silent as I stride through the school. Only my own footsteps echo in my ears, and-of course-the distant distant sound of the big clubs chattering away about meaningless issues. For the most part, it's business as usual-not a single thing seems out of the ordinary.

I've gone to this school for _years_ , but I don't think I've been to the library more than a half dozen times. To be honest, I'd never really had a reason to-I don't need to study, and I have plenty of books at home. The only times I'd ever went in there had been to meet up with my 'friends', and to look at _him_ when he was frantically studying for tests. Other than that..

Still, I know exactly where the library is. They keep it open for an hour or two after school, but most of the people who go are in and out ten to twenty minutes after the final bell rings. I can tell that it's mostly empty as I push the door open, and step inside. The librarian offers me a polite nod, but otherwise does not deviate from her work.

My eyes flit around the library. Sayori said that this Yuri girl had purple hair… and big... something. I can't see her, but there's plenty of tables that aren't visible from the front of the library.

I slide around the edges of the room-my back to the bookcases as I sidestep. Then… I see it, a glimpse of purple hair. My heart jolts… because this girl…

The things I could do with a body like that.

I know I'm beautiful, and I know I have 'decent' curves. But beauty can only go so far, and this girl-well, I don't want to be vulgar or anything, but this girl was _built_. Tall, curvy, the whole nine yards.

' _What if_ _he_ _likes her?'_ I think.

 _He_ was a man like any other, even if he was nearly flawless. And men… well, they liked curves-and they liked them whether the girl was smart, beautiful, or braindead retarded.

I can't recruit this girl. I _can't_ -what would the chances be of me managing to win _his_ heart with her around?

The problem is… I already told Natsuki and Sayori that I was going to go recruit this girl. Of course, I could say I tried and failed-but what if they asked her; what if they investigated and realized my deceit? I can't allow myself to be caught lying… _ever_. One uncovered lie would lead to another, and another, and I can't let that happen.

My breathing quickens slightly, and I can't help but groan. I'll have to find out some way to _seem_ like I'm asking her to join the club, while subtly manipulating her to reject my offer.

I step forward. I guess she and the girl she was tutoring are finishing up-I can see them picking up books and such. They bid each other farewell… and Yuri, the purple haired girl, turns towards me.

Perhaps I'd gotten a little too close a little too fast. She gasps slightly, and all of the books and work materials fall out of her hands, exploding against the floor in a flurry of paper and novels.

I groan internally. Why is it all three of these girls have to be so clumsy? Between Sayori, me almost knocking Natsuki to the ground, and _this_ girl… ugh. Not a single breakable thing in that classroom is going to survive the end of the semester.

"Here." I say. "Let me help you pick that up."

It just for a moment.

An instant.

A split second… maybe even less.

Yuri stooped down, to aid me in picking up her fallen books and papers.

Her sleeve rolls up slightly…

… and I catch a glimpse of cut marks.

Straight, neat, narrow-clearly a few days old. I see her recoil slightly, and before I can blink, I see her shrug down her sleeve.

She smiles at me.

I smile back at her. Presumably, she thinks that her little malfunction went unnoticed, and we return to picking up her books.

A moment of silence

…

…

...

' _She's perfect.'_ I think. _'Absolutely perfect.'_

"Here you go." I say, that same smile still gracing my features. I press the books and papers I'd picked up into her hands, and she takes them gratefully.

"Thank you." Yuri says. "I… um… I'm sorry I was so jumpy. Y-you just… surprised me."

"Oh, it's nothing."

I can't help but smile even more-what terrific, _terrific_ luck on my part. Even with those curves… even with those beautiful eyes… even with those lovely features… there was no way that a boy as wonderful as _him_ could ever love a girl so pathetic as to cut herself.

"Can I ask you something?" I say.

Yuri flushes slightly. "S-sure." she says. "What is it?"

"Would you be interested in joining my club?"

Her flush darkens. "I don't really do clubs…" she murmurs.

"It's a literature club."

Like Natsuki she stills-and for the first time, I see this sort of… _keenness_ in her eyes. She stands up straight, and I notice for the first time how extraordinarily tall she is.

"A… literature club?" Yuri says. "I'm… intrigued." She bites her lip, tucking a curl of violet hair behind her ears. "What kind of things would you do in a literature club? Read novels; or maybe, would we write some stories and poems of our own…?"

"All of those sound like things we could easily do." I say. "We have three members so far-you would make the fourth."

"... thus enabling you to make the club an official one." Yuri adds on for me. "I see."

"Is that a yes?"

I'm a tad shocked to see her smiling. "I think a l-literature club sounds very… very… _fun_." Yuri said. She clutched the books and papers against her chest, and her smile grew.

"Well, the classroom we're going to be meeting in is just upstairs." I say. "We could go up there…"

Yuri blushes, and averts her gaze. "I-I have to go home." she said. "My parents… they're expecting m-me. Sorry."

I smile. "It's okay. Do you have a phone number that I could use to reach you?"

Yuri nods. She sets the books and papers down on a table next to her. Extracting a blank piece of paper from the pile, she swiftly jots down her phone number in miniscule, elegant handwriting. She then hands the paper to me.

"I'll tell when our first _official_ meeting is." I say. "Probably the day after tomorrow, since I'll have to get the principal to approve the club and such."

"That's… that's fine with me." Yuri says. "I'm looking forward to it."

I smile at her.

Then… I frown, ever so slightly.

It seems a little too perfect, doesn't it?

All my doubts about her joining the club-from her chest to her shy personality… they had simply evaporated the instant I had seen those cut marks on Yuri's arm.

It had been instant, I realize.

My worries… it was like… she had done it on _purpose_. As if she had revealed that secret to me in order to lure me into letting her into the club.

I can feel my throat going dry.

Yuri looks at me a little strangely… but that same smile still plays on her lips.

"I'll… contact you." I say.

I take a deep breath. Clearly, I'm acting irrational… a girl like Yuri would _never_ be so manipulative as to do that. She was too shy. She was too weak willed. I wouldn't put it past her to back down to a fourth grader demanding her lunch money.

There was no way she could have been smart enough to get one over on me.

I force a smile back on my face. "I'm glad you were willing to join the club, Yuri." I tell her. "Now… you'd better get home; I wouldn't want to keep your parents waiting."

' _She probably doesn't even know_ _him_ _.'_ I reason with myself. _'What odds are there that she's trying to manipulate me to get to_ _him_ _?'_

They were astronomical.

"I'll see you soon… erm…"

"... Monika." I say for her.

"I'll see you soon, Monika." Yuri says.

I watch as she walks away, so graceful and elegant-such a contrast to her (mostly) bumbling speech patterns.

"I'm being completely absurd…" I mumble to myself.

Right?

… right.

* * *

**Heh.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to contact me, be sure to message me on fanfiction.net--my name there is BigE2955. Otherwise, you can email me at bige2955@gmail.com. Questions, concerns, suggestions, etc... I don't really mind. Do not forget to leave a comment! I adore comments. I love comments. I thrive on comments. A kudos, a bookmark, and a comment can do more for me than any simple view can do--and all of those take less than thirty seconds to do.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would rate this story a tentative 'T' rating, though I reserve the right to up that to a 'M' rating if I do choose so. I will not be skirting around any of the girls' issues... so don't expect the entire story to be fluffy and sweet... or even a majority of it to be fluffy and sweet. I do not own Doki Doki Literature Club, and I do not intend to make any profit off of this.

**The fourth chapter. This one should be a doozy... and if it isn't, then I suppose you'll realize why it is later. :P**

* * *

_You're pathetic._

_You're weak._

_I hate you._

_I wish you were gone._

_I wish you'd leave me alone._

_I wish I wasn't stuck with you._

_I wish I wasn't you._

* * *

There was a rather straightforward procedure to forming a new club.

The president, the vice president, and the two other founding members need to sign a sheet of paper stating their intention to be a part of the club. Alongside that, all four needed their parent's permission as well.

Once I found this out, I knew I would have to meet with the girls the next day. Separately, of course-Yuri was still stuck in the tutoring program until the club was officially formed, and she wouldn't have time to meet the others until her parents weren't breathing down her neck anymore. Before I went to the classroom where the Literature Club would meet, I made my way to the library.

Yuri was stooped over a textbook, calmly reading aloud a passage to the girl she was tutoring.

"Sorry to interrupt," I say-Yuri jumps, and the girl she is tutoring lets out a sigh of relief. "but I need to talk to Yuri for a moment. Do you mind?"

"Not at all." says the girl that Yuri is tutoring.

Yuri looks up at me expectantly. "D-do you need something, Monika?" she asks.

"You need to give this to your parents to sign." I tell her, as I slip a piece of paper in front of her. "You need to sign it, too; get it back to me by tomorrow, and we should have our club the day after if everyone else follows through."

"Um… o-okay." Yuri says.

"Meet me in the entrance hall before school." I say. "That way, I can get the papers to the headmaster as soon as possible."

"A-alright." I see her gulp slightly. "I'll s-see you tomorrow, Monika…"

I leave without another word-Yuri's narrating voice follows me as she returns to tutoring. There is a little lilt to her voice that makes me want to smile and frown at the same time. I still remember my worries from when she agreed to join the club; actually, to be completely honest, they'd been lingering in the back of my mind.

Not that I was worried. Not in the slightest, because _I_ was not going to lose to anyone, let alone a purple haired girl that could hardly form a coherent sentence. If she was even trying to fight me, that is. I still hadn't entirely dismissed the possibility that I was just being paranoid.

Next up was Natsuki and Sayori.

For obvious reasons, Natsuki chose to take refuge in the club's classroom. I couldn't fault her, I mean, it's probably a better place to hide out after school than trying all the classroom doors in the building and hoping one is unlocked.

Sayori was Sayori, and she was quick to pester Natsuki into allowing her to read some of her vaunted manga. When I step into the classroom, I see the two of them seated next to each other. Natsuki's lips quirk up slightly, and I see her legs kicking beneath the table. Sayori on the other hand looks almost irritated, furrowing her eyebrows and scrunching her nose.

"I'm surprised you can read this stuff!" Sayori quips. "It's kind of boring, don't you think? There's no conflict or anything that would normally grab my attention."

Natsuki scoffs. "That's the point." she says. "It's supposed to be fun to read and relate to, not some stupid shounen."

I close the door behind me, and both of them jump. I can't help but giggle. "Did you not notice me?" I say slyly, and there's a curl to my lips that would have made me cringe if I could see it.

"Maybe you shouldn't sneak in here like that." Natsuki says.

Sayori rolls her eyes, and pats Natsuki's shoulder affectionately; I see the girl recoil.

"You have the permission forms, right?" she asks.

I blink. "Yeah, I do." I say, and I take two and slide them in front of the girls. "How did you know I was bringing the permission forms…?"

"Call it an educated guess." Sayori says, with a strange giggle.

Natsuki frowns. "Who needs to sign this? And when do we need it signed?" she asks, and I can't help but notice how she avoids my gaze.

"You and your parents need to sign it, and I need it by tomorrow preferably." I say. "Maybe the day after tomorrow, if you really need the time."

"No, no, I'll have it by tomorrow." Natsuki murmurs. "Is that all we need to do before we can finally make the club?"

I give a hum of assent.

"Yay!" Sayori says. "So what book are we going to read first?"

"Um… I was thinking we could read something by one of the all time greats." I say. "The translated versions can't really compare to the originals, or so I've heard, but unless we can all start reading English by tomorrow I think we'll have to do with the Japanese version."

"What book are you talking about?" Sayori asks.

"The Great Gatsby." I say. "It's a… a _fantastical_ book-I read it, and it felt like my eyes and soul were being soothed by the words that man wrote. It's just so amazing!"

Natsuki scoffs. "Isn't that book supposed to be like super boring?"

I stare at her. "You didn't just say that."

She rolls her eyes. "It's not my fault I can't get into a book from what, the 1800s?"

"It was published in 1925!" I hiss.

Sayori giggles. "You really like that book, don't you?" she says.

I pause. "Well, I mean… it's a really good novel." I say. "But what I really like is all the different things you can see, especially when you reread it. There's so many subtle things you wouldn't be able to notice unless you had prior knowledge of what was going to happen."

Natsuki groans. "So what if it's a good novel? Novels are usually boring anyway. Can't we read something a little more engaging? Like… Alice in Wonderland?"

Sayori frowns. "Come on, Natsuki." she says. "Can't you see just how excited Monika is to read the Great Gatsby?"

I blink. What does she mean I'm excited…? Then again, I was just squealing over it less than a minute ago.

Natsuki rubs her forehead. "Fine, fine. We can read the stupid Great Gatsby, but _I_ get to choose what we read afterwards. Deal?"

"Sure." I say.

A brief pause.

"What are we going to do today?" Sayori says, only a second before the silence that had lingered would have grown uncomfortable.

"Umm… I guess we could write." I say. "All we need is a pen and a paper, right?"

"I guess." Natsuki says.

We find some paper stowed beneath a desk, and we take pencils from a cup on the teacher's desktop.

"Come on, let's push these together." Sayori says, and the _screech_ of a desk being pushed across the floor reaches my ears. I grab another desk, Natsuki grabs a third, and we push them together so that there's only an empty triangle-shaped space in between them.

We sit down.

"What are we going to write?" Natsuki asks.

"Let's do something simple." I say. "Pick a trait about yourself, and write a sentence or a paragraph about it-but make sure it's at least kind of cryptic. Then, we can exchange papers and try to figure out what trait it is. How does that sound?"

"Sure, why not?" Sayori says. Natsuki grunts, and I take that as a yes.

We begin to write.

My sentence is simple.

' _An unfinished task makes me feel uncomfortable. An undone blazer makes me twitch. My worst fear is an unorganized locker.'_

I set my pencil down. A few seconds later, Natsuki stops. A few seconds after that, Sayori does as well.

We exchange papers. I give mine to Sayori, she gives hers to Natsuki, and I recieve Natsuki's paper.

I read the text on Natsuki's paper.

' _My father bans me from reading manga, yet I do it anyway. If he knew that I was in a club, he'd get pretty mad. I started sneaking out of the house when I turned fourteen. What would you call me?'_

We wait a minute.

"Daring," I say to Natsuki, and she gives me a hesitant grin.

"More or less." she says. "Sayori, I think you were going for… caring?"

She beams. "Yup!" Sayori chirps. "And Monika, were you going for, uh, being a perfectionist?"

"I was going for pedant." I tell her. "But, that's close enough I suppose."

"Dang it!" Sayori says.

"Here, take a look at Natsuki's paper." I hand Sayori the paper on my desk. She hands Natsuki mine, and Natsuki hands me Sayori's.

' _I try to make my friends feel awesome. I always want to make sure they have the best in life; I always lend a hand if they need it, and I'll never leave them behind.'_

"This one is obvious." I say to Sayori, and she pouts.

"That's not fair." Sayori insists. "I'm not usually trying to be 'cryptic'!"

Natsuki lets out a chuckle. "That's not really a secret, Sayori." she says.

Sayori blinks. "What do you mean?"

"You wear your heart on your sleeve." Natsuki murmurs. "I knew that from the moment I met you."

She bites her lip. "Yeah, mostly…" The last part comes out as a whisper, one that I'm sure she hadn't intended for us to hear.

"Let's not get off track." I say.

We spend the rest of 'club' time-really just us hanging out after school since the club isn't technically formed yet-doing that same exercise. It's simple and fun, but most of the traits Natsuki and Sayori write about are ones that were obvious from the beginning.

Of course, I don't let them get a glimpse of what I'm really like.

They make a general announcement before they lock the doors. The speakers blaring tone startles us; the prerecorded voice of our headmaster is booming, and even a deaf person wouldn't strain to hear him.

" _Please wrap up whatever activities you have going on, and get ready to depart the school. We will be locking the doors in ten minutes."_

We gather up the papers, many of which have become strewn around. There's no need to keep them, so Natsuki grabs our two stacks of paper, wads them up in one big ball, and tosses them expertly into the trash.

Once we're outside of the school, and into the cold, we prepare to part.

"I'll see you two tomorrow." I say. "Make sure to have the signed forms!"

"Of course." Natsuki says.

"Bye, Monika!" Sayori beams.

We go our separate ways.

* * *

That morning, I text the three of them to meet me in the school's lobby so I can get their permission papers.

Yuri and Natsuki are on time, and I'm a minute late. After two minutes of waiting, Sayori comes bounding through the school doors, her hair disheveled and her skirt and blazer looking crumpled. "I'm here!" she pants, coming to a stop in front of me. "You must be Yuri!"

"H-hi." Yuri says, turning her head and playing with a strand of her violet hair.

"Here's the permission slip, Monika!" Sayori says. She hands it to me, and Yuri hands me hers wordlessly.

"Here." Natsuki says, pushing the paper into my hand.

My gaze skims over Natsuki's paper. The signature is there, yes, and it looks good-but I've always been keener than most. I can see how it's a little too loopy for a male, and the handwriting a little too neat. I say nothing, knowing that the headmaster will do little more than glance over it once before accepting it.

"We can make introductions later…" I breath. "In our club's new classroom."

They all grin at me, even Yuri. "I gotta get to class!" Sayori says, and she bounces off.

"See ya." Natsuki says, and she flaunts off.

Yuri gives me a shy smile, and walks away.

I make for the headmaster's office.

He smiles at me. "Do you have all the papers, Monika?" he asks.

"I do."

I slide them in front of him.

He glances over them, glossing past all four signed papers with ease.

"Alright, looks like everything's in order." he says. "What will your club be called?"

I'd actually thought about this a bit.

Well, I'm a sucker for literary terms, and I think this one rather accurately describes what the purpose of this club is for. To get to _him_.

"Doki Doki Literature Club." I say.

He takes a pen, and writes it at the top of one of the papers. He adds his signature, and then stamps it.

"Congratulations." he says. "You're now the President of the Doki Doki Literature Club."

Something seems to _shock_ me, and I gasp.

I can tell he's looking at me worriedly, but I don't care. I take a few steps back, nearly toppling over, my legs wobbling.

…

…

I breathe heavily

My heart races.

That shock, it had gone as quickly as it had come. I feel normal now, at least as normal as one can be given the circumstances..

Something lingers, though.

…

…

…

…

Have you ever felt like something was supposed to happen… but then it didn't?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to contact me, be sure to message me on fanfiction.net--my name there is BigE2955. Otherwise, you can email me at bige2955@gmail.com. Questions, concerns, suggestions, etc... I don't really mind. Do not forget to leave a comment! I adore comments. I love comments. I thrive on comments. A kudos, a bookmark, and a comment can do more for me than any simple view can do--and all of those take less than thirty seconds to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**Wow, a fifth chapter. I hope you guys didn't expect that one.**

**There's a lot of things in this chapter.**

**Some of it's overt, some of it's subtle.**

**Be sure to tell me what you think in the reviews, :D**

* * *

_I hope this works._

_Actually, I know that this_ _ has _ _to work._

_It just can't fail._

_I can't fail._

_For something as important as this, failure is not an option; it's not even something that I should be thinking about, for even the prospect leaves me...happen._

_What...happened._

_What...happen._

_All I know is this: my plan can't fail._

_I can't fail._

* * *

My sheets are green. The same color as my eyes, which is why my Mom bought them-or so she claims, though I'm still pretty sure it was because the sheets in question were on a clearance sale, and there was no other color to select from.

I run my hands across them, and the fabric is tough, it feels rough and almost jagged beneath the texture of my thumb, and I cannot help but grimace. The fact that I can sleep on such material is a miracle, and it's no small miracle for me that the dark circles under my eyes are easily fixed by a small application of makeup every morning.

These sheets always make me reminiscence, and that combined with the cold weather makes me recall a story.

When I was young, I remember having a friend. She was bright and fickle, she was like sunshine after a long rainshower-and no, she was not Sayori, Yuri, or Natsuki. I don't even recall her name, though I think it might have started with an M or something like that.

I slept over at her house exactly once, and that was because it had snowed while I had been playing with her; her parents didn't want to risk driving on the slick ice with me in their car. They had no guest room, so I slept in my friend's room-in her bed, since they steadfastly refused to put me on the floor. The bed was big enough for both of us they reasoned, and my friend agreed so long as I did 'hog the covers'.

It was wonderful. Her sheets felt like silk, the bed caressing my back like the warm hands of a masseuse, my head cushioned by the pillow as you might nuzzle your head into your mother's bosom. They were so fresh and clean, they smelt amazing, and I think I might have slept twelve hours straight that particular night.

I would have slept over there again if I could, I would have done it a dozen times over because never before or since have I had such a good night's sleep.

If I could, I would have begged my friend to let me sleep in her bed.

Of course, fate doesn't always work out that way.

Maybe I would have slept over there again...

… had they not gotten into a car accident the next week-my friend's father having lost control of the wheel on a particularly icy stretch of road, and plummeted him, his car, and his entire family straight into a half-frozen lake.

None of them even made it out of the water before they perished. I do remember from the media circus afterward that my friend had been relatively fortunate; she had been killed by the blunt force trauma from the impact, rather than being forced to drown in the icy water like her parents.

When I think about her, I don't remember anything about her person or life aside from that bed I slept on one fateful night, and her untimely death. I don't remember the color of her hair, whether she had freckles or not, whether she was even my friend-as opposed to someone I hung around simply to avoid the pain of loneliness.

Do you want to know something that I find kind of funny?

Her sheets were green too.

A dry chuckle escapes my lips.

I swallow, and sit down on my bed. It's still bright outside, though the dark will come soon, as it always does in this cold weather.

Today was supposed to be our first club meeting, considering the headmaster had given be the OK that very morning. We _could_ have had our meeting-but I sent a text to everyone, and told them that we'd have to meet there tomorrow instead.

I don't know why, but it just didn't feel right to meet there today.

Nothing feels right in this moment. My gut clenches, my head hurts, and I find my thoughts drifting to memories of things that have shaped my personality. My friend's bed. My parent's frugal manner. My distance from others.

My heart races.

I get up, I go to the window, and I see nothing but _white_ -my heart correspondingly leaps into my throat, and it takes a moment for me to realize that it's merely snowing outside. Everything is still there. My life is still here. What am I so worried about?

My fingers find themselves running through my hair, coarse strands, greasy strands-I was so worked up and sweaty through the school day, and for the life of me I cannot explain why.

I need a shower, a long one, a peaceful one, _anything_ to get my mind off of that little feeling in my gut that was persistent regardless of what I say or think.

As I pull a (green) towel out of the closet, I find myself thinking of Sayori. Sweet, perky, innocent Sayori-sweet Sayori, who has _access_ to him. If this were some silly manga or something, the childhood friend of _him_ would be practically nonexistent as a threat-but this isn't a manga. This is real life, and I know that she could crop up in my plans extremely easily.

All it would take is him to even vaguely recognize her as a potential girlfriend, and my plan was in ruins; but there was nothing I could do, not without direct access to the boy in question.

Why does everything in my life have to be so hard?

I peel off my clothes without further comment, and with a hop and a skip, I slide open the screen door and step gingerly into the tub. The water of the shower is scalding hot the instant after I turn it on-following the faintest burst of icy cold-but that constant stinging sensation keeps these irritating thoughts at bay. For now, at least, but even a temporary reprieve is something I can live with.

Sayori, Sayori, _freaking_ Sayori. What is it with her? Why does she have to be the one who knew _him_ since childhood?

Dang it. My thoughts stray-my concentration slips, and I feel myself growing angry. Anger is bad, anger means I can't use my best judgement, anger means that I am unable to come up with a coherent plan that doesn't involve shoving my fist (and consequently, her teeth) down Sayori's throat.

Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel so irrationally angry?

As far as I know, Sayori and Taro have never been anything more than friends. That's it-friends, because a boy and a girl can be friends without being romantically attached to each other, right?

Then why do I see her as such a rival?

Why do I see _every_ girl as a potential rival? To the point where I'm encouraged pick the most emotionally damaged girls I can to be a part of the club-Yuri with her cutting, and Natsuki with her antisocial behavior-and I still worry about the possibilities of them worming their way into _his_ heart.

I'm not even Christian, but Jesus... I can't even begin explain it.

I want to calm down.

I want- no, I need to calm down.

My hands press against the sides of the shower, and I ease myself onto my bottom. The tub itself is cold to the touch, even though my vision is obscured by clouds of steam from the running water.

I cradle my knees to my chest.

Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be unaffected by these stupid and idiotic feelings?

For the first time since I can remember my love for him beginning, I wish it wasn't so. I _wish_ that I wasn't so in love with him, I wish that I could get him out of my head, because lately it seems like all of my problems stem from wanting to be with him.

But that's crazy, isn't it?

How could _he_ be the cause of anything?

It's just Sayori. Yuri. Natsuki. All those other girls that would rather get in my way and try to steal his heart, rather than scoot aside and letting his one true love be with him.

I hate them.

( _myself…_ )

I wish they would just go away.

"Go away," I whisper to myself.

( _go away…_ )

I don't want to be in the Doki Doki Literature Club anymore.

( _doki doki…_ )

I just want to be with _him_.

Is that so much to ask?

* * *

****If you'd like to contact me, be sure to message me on my Fanfiction.net profile. Otherwise, you can email me at bige2955 at gmail. Questions, concerns, suggestions, etc... I don't really mind. Don't forget to leave a review, either! Really, every little review counts to making the next chapter even better-though I'll still write it regardless of how many reviews I get, :)** **

**Author's Note:**

> If you'd like to contact me, be sure to message me on fanfiction.net--my name there is BigE2955. Otherwise, you can email me at bige2955@gmail.com. Questions, concerns, suggestions, etc... I don't really mind. Do not forget to leave a comment! I adore comments. I love comments. I thrive on comments. A kudos, a bookmark, and a comment can do more for me than any simple view can do--and all of those take less than thirty seconds to do.


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